Mourning a Godless Choice

Let me start by saying I am not writing for sympathy, but to share a bit of my story and my heart. Most importantly, I want to encourage you to always make decisions based on prayer, Bible study, and Godly counsel so that you may never find yourself mourning a choice that didn’t have to be made–whatever that choice may be.

Fear is a motivator. Sometimes it motivates us to seek God’s wisdom and peace. Sometimes it motivates us to act alone and “take charge” so that [we think] our worst fears won’t become a reality. Five years ago, I fell into the 2nd category.

Our youngest daughter was just shy of a year and I was SURE I was done having kids. After all, I’d always wanted to adopt and I just “knew” I wouldn’t want/be able to do that if we continued to have kids of our own. Not to mention pregnancy made me fussy and irritable–why go through that again?  We have two beautiful children.  Plus, what if our third child wasn’t perfectly healthy? “I don’t think I have it in me to be able to handle that scenario… let’s just not have any more.”

That was the gist of my thought process. Motivated by fear (having an unhealthy child), rationalized by good intentions (adoption). But where was my prayer? Where was my faith? I remember Justin asking me before a permanent change was made, “Are you sure?” “Yes! I want to adopt. I’ve always wanted to adopt. I just know we won’t if we have more kids of our own.”

I was so arrogant in my reasoning. So sure I knew what was right for us–for me. But you know what I can’t quite remember? Asking my husband what he wanted. Did he want to adopt? Could he see himself being a father to a child he didn’t father? I assumed he did. I knew he would be great (and I still have no doubt about that!), so I gave the green light.

Fast forward 2, 3, 4, and 5 years later.  This Mom of 2 is yearning for more babies to hold. She’s yearning for kicks in the womb, whimpers and cries in the night, soothing another child with a touch or a song. She’s yearning to love and care for ALL the children this world wants to toss aside. “I want the babies no one wants….”

And somewhere along this rollercoaster ride of wants and fears, I turn to my God. Humbly admitting the faithlessness of a choice made those years ago and eagerly praying for Him to give me a child. One way or another. But then something happened very recently…Instead of praying for me to have my way, I began praying for God to have HIS way in me.

“Change my heart God… if my yearning isn’t bringing me closer to You, my husband, or my children, take it away. Give me the wants and contentment of my husband. Help me to never forget YOUR WILL be done–You are able to do more than I can even ask or think, and I know it will be done if You are willing.”

If you are mourning a Godless choice I want you to take comfort in this: there is ALWAYS hope and healing in Christ. But it takes an honest heart to take the first step down that road of redemption.


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