Am I a Coward?

I want to be bold.

I want to be strong.

I want to be faithful.

I want to be a warrior.

Fighting for the weak, standing firm in Truth, linking arms with other believers with the same mission, marching onward and upward, and teaching my children along the way.

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Lately, though, the word “coward” has been circling in my mind. I’ve been thinking about what it really means to be a coward. I used to think it was only denouncing my faith in the face of death, but I think it’s much more prevalent than that.

Google and Miriam-Webster define coward as: “a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things” and “one who shows disgraceful fear or timidity.”

But how often does the desire for people’s approval and applause cloud the mission I mentioned earlier? Cowardice.

How often do I sit back and judge the actions of others without taking action myself? Cowardice.

How often do I allow myself to feel slighted and inferior because I’m not wrapped up in my own purpose for Him? Cowardice.

How often do I shut down the idea that God is moving BIG in someone’s life because I’m shutting the door in His face out of fear for what would be required of me if He were to be that present in my own life? Cowardice.

How often do I pray “easy” prayers that require little change of me, but hard/miraculous/intensely vulnerable change of others? Cowardice.

Disgraceful. Fearful. Timid. Lacking courage.

And in Revelation 21:8, God lumps the cowardly with the faithless and murderers (among other things).

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Faithful obedience should fill my heart and leave no room for the coward in me. It should push it out 100%. But only when I intentionally let God take the reins of my life and live in total surrender to His will. His desire for my holiness is everything. Everything. He died to give it to me. It’s everything to Him. (And therefore should be everything to me.)

I can’t be a holy coward.

I can’t be a faithful coward.

I can’t be a strong coward.

I can’t be a bold coward.

I’m writing my prayer below. I’m writing and posting it so I can look back on it a year (or 5) from now and praise God for how He answered; how He did exactly what I begged Him to. I’m writing and posting this prayer so that if you feel the same way I do, then sister, we can pray it together.

Lord, change me. Mold me. Work in me.

Give me wisdom and discernment as I kneel before Your Holy Word, so that my life bears the fruit of your Spirit and leads others to do the same.

And those other things I’m praying for? The accolades, the money, the “stability & freedom”, the opportunities… strip me of them ALL if they make me more reliant upon myself than YOU.

I am nothing without You. I am nothing without Your love, grace, mercy, and the salvation You provide that I could never earn or deserve.

Take away all the fear & excuses, and replace them with boldness, action, and LOVE.

Do what only You can do, so that the ONLY answer is You.”

https://youtu.be/EeZoQoyPn6I

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