“I just don’t know where I’d be without Him.”
“I can’t fathom who I would be without His presence.”
“I can’t even imagine what my life would look like if He was not in it.”
I have said things like this in the past, often using this trite rhetorical pattern in an attempt to highlight the importance of God in my life, as if there were any question of where I could take myself if I did not depend on Him. What I have discovered, though, is that this ostensible admission of reliance upon Him was actually a self-centered idea altogether. I know exactly where I would be without Him. I know precisely who I would be, and there is no question what my life would look like.
Broken. Hollow. Lost.
I do not know exactly what kind of lost it would be or specifically what it would look like, but I am absolutely certain it would be utter darkness. It would be depravity with no hope of light and goodness. It would be riddled with self-destructive vice and weakness. It would be a battlefield of self-love and self-hate.
It would be misery.
I am learning what it means to rely on Him. I am growing and living in Him as I die to myself. I am finding my true worth in the blood of my Savior, accepting a little more each new day what it means to be clothed in Him.
This life is one that is no longer my own; I am mine no more. With this realization comes true freedom. I do not mourn the old man, my old identity. I joyfully lay it to rest, thankful beyond measure to no longer be dying in the dark. ~JMW